| Sunday, January 18th, 2004 |
| 1:48 pm |
oh what a new year it has been
well i had the surgery...no longer am i plagued with little cancer cells that want me to die...so now four weeks of recovery...four weeks of feeling like shit...four weeks of waking up at 2 in the morning still drunk...needing to lie on the bathroom floor and wish that i wasnt sick all of the time...four weeks of wondering if they got it all that time or do they have to cut me again... thinking of moving back to keene and finish school since it would only take a year...live above my professor in one of his apartments...get my life together...leave this relationship...and not choke on tears...because as of last night i think i see where i fit in...and i feel like im around to kill time...to kiss someone elses pain away...someone who likes my red lipstick but not necessarily my lips...someone who doesnt really want to love me...maybe im thinking too much...but i know the words "i love you" will never make it to my ear...it would probably be a lie anyway... not going to portland for my birthday because im poor as fuck...i thought i was gonna win the lottery...but in reality they just stole my dollar and told me to get lost... so to this i will drink a forty at 2pm and watch the pats game with my boy...i need to get out of this place...maybe i should just take my meds...then i wont feel like crap... Current Mood:  aggravated |
| Saturday, December 20th, 2003 |
| 2:19 am |
your mom
i never get sick of hotwatermusic |
| Tuesday, December 16th, 2003 |
| 12:35 am |
|
| Saturday, December 13th, 2003 |
| 4:35 am |
:(
im scared as hell right now...what the fuck was that? you were sleeping but the things you said to me...what came out of your mouth...im drunk again...100 proof...and im about to drive away from here. i dont even kno wwhat to do...i shouldnt get mad at you...you were sleeping...but who the fuck was that...thats not who i know...should i be scared of you...cause now im afraid of something...do i wake you up and make you talk? i think i should...but now that im scared...i dont know if i can... what am i saying...i am going to wake you up...no one can talk to me that way...watch your fucking mouth...jesus...maybe its time for some more booze...something.... |
| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003 |
| 12:53 am |
couldnt be happier...oh except if i could get all my people in one fuckin city... think about it... |
| Monday, December 8th, 2003 |
| 1:58 pm |
|
| Sunday, December 7th, 2003 |
| 11:35 pm |
another doctors appointment tomorrow :( i dont want to go |
| Saturday, December 6th, 2003 |
| 7:44 pm |
i got puked on last night and had no recolection of it...sounds like a good night... Current Mood: eh |
| Thursday, December 4th, 2003 |
| 10:06 am |
well i think ive been drunk 9 out of the past 10 days. um...what the shit am i doing? i have to go back to the drs on monday...i dont like how this sounds. yeah so be smart ashleigh just keep drinking and see if you can give yourself something to cry about...dumbass! on a good note...i have figured out shit for the movie...just have to draw it up. eh- its time to go make some chedda for all my babies mamas... Current Mood: yup |
| Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003 |
| 10:50 am |
hi-ya
ocean is blue as fuck today. too bad it is fuckin cold as a mother fucker. froze my ass off at the beach. its time for work...im gettin sick of this...how many more days til im out of here? come on march...mama wants to do you in the face. friday was one of the best nights of my life. i had so many of my people up in the same place. jess, steph, mattyc, devin, john, ami, derek, tammy, timmy g, and gus. what a fuckin drunken mess i was. i dont even remember the drive back to haverill. good thing i wasnt driving...it would have been certain death. anne is pregnant. c is pregnant and bulemic...this worries me. Current Mood: allsmiles |
| Sunday, November 30th, 2003 |
| 11:24 am |
|
| Friday, November 28th, 2003 |
| 6:58 pm |
head vs. heart
i meant what i said...and i flew 3000 miles to see your face. i felt in my heart that you didnt feel what you used to say...and with that i let it be. ive been hurt too many times...and all i want for those i love is to be happy...and i knew in my heart that i was not for you...so...i let you do your own thing. i have pined over people before...i have missed their every move...their glaze...their voice. i cant do that again. i cant do 3000 miles. i think we were honest with each other and thats a beautiful thing. the things that i say to other people...are different. its not love...not yet...and who knows...but for myself...i am going to go for something...take a risk...and see what happens. i dont have anything left to lose...since i know i cant have you...if you think my words arent genuine...you can talk to katie and ask her how i cried...how i made myself let go...cutting off my hands. i hold those two days tight. for two days i knew i was alive. Current Mood: everything |
| Wednesday, November 26th, 2003 |
| 8:43 pm |
no shit huh?
just got home from a ten hour day at work...about to do pilates...then its.... time for bbq and forties!!!haverill look the fuck out...mmm schlitz...mmmm my ladies are home from school...this weekend is going to be nuts...my parents are goin away...yes that does mean a party... Current Mood: agood-a |
| Tuesday, November 25th, 2003 |
| 4:12 pm |
drawing drawing drawing mewithoutyou still rocks my box We're two white roses lying frozen just outside his door I've made you so happy and so sad, But which should I be more sorry for? Come kiss my face goodbye, that space below my eye and above my cheek Cause I'm faint and fading fast, I see a darkness And I shall be released. I'll pass like a fever from this body, And softly slip into his hands I tried to love you and I failed, But I have another plan. My Lord, how long to sing this song? And my Lord, how muchmore of this pretending to be strong drawing drawing drawing my hand fuckin hurts from this shit...but i can almost taste montserrat...i can do this... Current Mood: fuckin right |
| 9:45 am |
things are different now! Current Mood: ha |
| Monday, November 24th, 2003 |
| 6:38 pm |
fuck this
gonna go fuck up boston with the boys...feels good to be rockin the east coast...lonely but good. fuckin busch forties beware...ashleigh is gonna fuck you up nice. xoxo thats for you Current Mood:  good |
| Sunday, November 23rd, 2003 |
| 11:18 pm |
blah
i dont know what i meant by any of that. dont worry. i am sick of myself. Current Mood: confusedasF |
| 7:58 pm |
help me out here
yesterday i freaked out. that happens. today on the plane i did it again. no need. just seems that when i have time to think too much i do. and now that im home. and i know the roads. im not so frazzled. who knows what happened in AZ. i had a good time and i think you did too. so right now i feel good. i guess its time for me to face it. that i cant worry about something that i have no control over. who knows what you feel. theres no point in me thinking that this is forever. im gonna breathe easy and party like i do best. i got nothin...hopefully you will know what i mean by all this nonsense..and know that im gonna miss you like mad. Current Mood: happytobehome |
| Saturday, November 22nd, 2003 |
| 4:36 pm |
tucson is a quiet place at night
so now that its over where does this leave me. us. i needed you to say. cause its hot in this room and the bed is lonely. what is my problem. sigh. i look out at mountains of sand. there is nothing to do now. here is what i need from you. just tell me to calm down. tell me what you want. is it this. is it me. as much as i want to just play it cool. for you. its not me. im worked up. im confused. i had you in my arms. now theres so much left to lose. i have found that this livejournal is nothing more then an excuse to let you know how i feel without having to come out and say that im scared. that i have had so much hurt that i dont want to feel it again. not after i finally felt something different. something beautiful. so if im wrong. if you do want me. i need you to tell me. to stop. i cant seem to do anything right. i just want to watch you sleep. want to see the look in your eyes as you stare down at me. because behind these eyes. is a very nervous little girl. the last time we stripped down to reveal our lustuious tendencies...that was the first time i felt free. first time i enjoyed myself completely with someone else. i put all my anxieties to rest. forgave myself for having built up these walls. and with that. i let them fall. maybe all this ranting and raving...is this me pushing you away from me. is this me doing it again. fucking it up. feeling like i dont deserve this. that i dont deserve you. do i fear that i feel things for you that you dont feel for me. im beginning to feel lame. there is a part of me that is hoping that ill delete everything that i have written. the other part feels that you should know how mixed up i feel. how do you feel. i. i. what is honesty anyway. Current Mood: overthinkingagain |
| Tuesday, November 18th, 2003 |
| 1:09 am |
xoxo
its officially tuesday...which means tomorrow im gone...i cant wipe this stupid smile off my face...but it feels like sexsticks...which is like heaven...well ive heard... im nervous as fuck for my dr appointment... stupid liver...always judgin me... im homesick for katie...in the worst way...hurry up feb...i need some ass slaps from my lady... there is no way im gonna sleep tonight... :) Current Mood: rockinhotboxtacocrap |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
fu_thatsmyheart's journal